In this Sunday’s Gospel reading Peter asks Jesus how many times one ought to extend forgiveness to another. Peter proposes a reasonable number of times, perhaps seven. Jesus replies by extending Peter’s proposal by an enormous amount; not just seven times but 77 times. There is a temptation to quantify forgiveness as Peter tried to do, but Jesus’ point is that forgiveness is not about quantity. The lesson is clear: If we hoard God’s mercy for ourselves while showing no mercy to others, we will risk forfeiting the effects of God’s mercy in our own lives.
Picture this: a cluster of porcupines on a cold winter’s night. The cold drives them to huddle together to keep warm, but as soon as they get close to one another they start jabbing each other with their spines and forcing them to move apart; thus they are forever coming together and moving apart in a kind of slow dance. There may be a great deal of truth to that. Remember the saying about Benedictine life: we fall down and we get up.
For Jesus’ and Benedict there is no excuse for violating the first step in their instruction. It’s not just a suggestion – these are words from the lips of Jesus. If you’ve been offended, it is your responsibility to GO. You don’t wait for the one who has offended to come to you. You are accountable for your own actions!
So, you’ve approached the person who you feel has offended you – had a little “come to Jesus” chat with her– all seemingly to no avail. What’s the next step? No, it is not turning a blind eye to the behavior IF you truly feel it is disrupting your peace and peace in the community. The challenge is finding a person who can remain neutral. Benedict describes this person as “wise and mature who secretly goes to the person to urge her to be humble and to offer her consolation so she is not overcome with excessive sorrow.”
Now it is time again to question yourself. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I acting out of my OCD tendencies? Can I really let go and let God? Or is God urging me to kick it up a notch and take a witness with me to listen in objectively, offering no opinions, just listen, and only speak if it seems needed to repeat what seems to be being said?
I want to affirm that I am not acting with rash judgement. Do I have all the facts? We are human and God gave us a mind and the ability to reason but sometimes we don’t have all the pieces. Was I just being overly sensitive?
So, now you and a witness-friend have had that calm, rational talk with the person you are convinced intended to offend you. Hopefully, your love and genuine concern are evident and she will not feel: “She’s just out to get me” or “They’re ganging up on me!” If the truth be told, she would never have approached you in the first place if she did not trust you and care for you. The hope is that the intervention will bring about reconciliation and peace.
What’s next? Benedict advises separation from the community provided that she understands the nature of the measure. For Benedict, non-participation in chapel and separation from the community table was a grave measure. Benedict doesn’t say to starve the offender … just let her take her meals alone and at a different time. Some today do that by choice. But, I suppose, if it were announced that she is not allowed to have meals with the rest of the community, it would have a different feel and effect.
When all else fails, Jesus and Benedict agree there is no other choice than to apply the “cauterizing iron of excommunication … lest one diseased sheep infect the whole flock.” But even then Benedict looks favorably on the return, the re-entry of a dismissed or dissociated member if she promises to make full amends, not simply say “I’m sorry”, but to make a sincere effort to change her ways and fit into community.
Just remember to always start with Step One: GO, don’t wait for the other to make an approach – Go alone (take a walk; share a cup of tea, sit on a swing, whatever but keep it private between the two of you).
Jesus and Benedict assure us if we follow their directives we’ll come to be like the little child who was saying her bedtime prayers. As she went down the list of family members, asking God to bless them one by one, she omitted her sister’s name. Her mother injected: “Why didn’t you pray for Susie?” She looked up puzzled and said, “I’m not going to ask God to bless Susie because she broke my doll’s arm.” “But,” her mother said, “Don’t you remember Jesus said to forgive your enemies?” “That’s just the trouble”, the child said: “Susie isn’t my enemy; she’s my sister.”
~Reflection by Sister Roberta Bailey, OSB
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